Understanding children’s reluctance in a family separation: Considering guidance from the Family Justice Council on responding to allegations of alienating behaviour
When children show reluctance to spend time with a parent after a divorce or separation, it is natural to search for explanations. Whilst it may be easy to jump to conclusions about ‘parental alienation’, the reality is likely to be more complex.
Understanding ‘reluctance, resistance and refusal’ (RRR)
Children can demonstrate various levels of resistance to spending time with a parent after separation, ranging from a mild resistance to an outright refusal. This behaviour can manifest in different ways including -
· Refusing to speak to or see a parent.
· Throwing away things associated with that parent.
· Showing anger towards that parent.
· Making critical remarks about that parent to others.
These behaviours alone do not necessarily indicate manipulation by the other parent. Children can experience a wide range of emotions during family separation and their initial reaction may be part of them processing significant changes in their life.
Common reasons for resistance: -
1. Attachment, Affinity and Alignment (AAA)
· Children may feel closer naturally to one parent over the other.
· They may prefer one parent’s parenting style or level of involvement.
· Different interests or activities with each parent may influence preference.
2. Appropriate Justified Rejection (AJR)
· A child’s reaction could be an understandable response to a parent’s behaviour.
· Past experience with that parent could influence their current feelings.
· The child may be responding to behaviour that they have witnessed shown to the other parent.
3. Processing Loss and Change
· Children may experience separation as a form of loss and struggle dealing with this.
· Initial anger or resentment is often part of them processing this change.
· Reactions may evolve over time as children adjust to new circumstances.
Important considerations
When evaluating a child’s resistance to spending time with a parent, several factors should be considered:
1. Avoid quick assumptions: The mere fact that a child is reluctant to see a parent does not automatically indicate manipulation by the other parent. Sometimes there is no obvious cause or explanation for a child’s resistance.
2. Development matters: Reactions may be influenced by a child’s developmental stage, cultural background or individual circumstance.
3. Dynamic nature: A child’s initial reaction to separation is not necessarily permanent. Feelings and behaviours can change as they adjust to their new circumstances.
Supporting children through family separation
1. Listen without judgement: Take children’s expressed feelings seriously whilst remaining open to understanding the full context.
2. Maintain appropriate boundaries: Ensure children are not burdened with adult responsibilities or information about the separation.
3. Seek professional support: When needed, work with professionals who can understand and address underlying causes of resistance.
4. Focus on the child’s needs: Prioritise the child’s emotional and psychological needs over adult conflicts.
Understanding a child’s reluctance to spend time with a parent requires careful consideration of multiple factors and contexts. Remember that each situation is unique and there are rarely simple answers for complex family dynamics. The goal should always be to support children’s well-being while maintaining appropriate and health relationships with both parents, where possible.
